NERF Guns & Earthworms "Ready ... Break!" - Dr. Gedderdun
I had my needle biopsy today.This was a scheduled 3 hour outpatient procedure at the Los Alamitos Hospital.I’d be needing a ride home after this surgery.Dawn came with me.The past two days had given us time to heal and get ourselves grounded.Work brought us back to thedaily grind…medical appointments added some spice to the blandness of life.
After checking in and being led to the recovery room, I was asked to undress and put on a loincloth and a blue hair net.After slipping into my gown and throwing on my party hat, I did a little dance for Dawn.We laughed.
As I lay on the bed, the nurse asked me the same routine questions and filled out her forms.She told Dawn that she would contact her when I was ready.Dawn kissed me. “I’ll grab a bite and come back.Good luck babe.”
After giving me a brief description of what was going to happen the nurse disappeared.Shortly after, a man in dark blue scrubs appeared.A cross between Snoop Dog and Biggie Smalls, he looked like an extra from the set of Oz.
“You ready?”He asked.I nodded.He began rolling me out of the recovery room through a maze of hallways.
“Name’s Keith.”
“Are you the radiologist?”I asked.
“I’m the medicine man.I make you feel good.”I wasn’t convinced our definition of ‘good’ corresponded.
“ You ever done this before?”he asked.
“First time.”
“Oh it’s real simple.We’ll have you in n out.We do this all the time,” he said as we stopped in front of one of the lab doors.
"This my boy's room.You'll meet him soon.”I wasn't so worried about the biopsy procedure anymore.This took precedent.Your Boy's?The thought that I would lose one of my kidneys to the black market crossed my mind. The door opened.An older man walked in.I mean older as in his handle bars had shades of grey and the skull tattoo on his neck looked more like Pangaea."Dean!" Keith said as they exchanged a fist.He then turned towards me "This my boy Dean's room."
"How's it goin," Dean asked giving me two taps on the shoulder.His raspy voice roared like a Harley.This confirmed my judgment:Hell's Angel.Dean began pushing my rolling bed towards the CT machine. He must have misjudged the distance. My bed slammed into the corner of the scanner. He readjusted me, as if this was routine procedure. "Has anyone told you how this is gonna work?"he asked as Keith was placing clear pints on my IV.
"The nurse briefly explained it to me," I said as they both lined my roller parallel to the CT bed.Dean continued "Nothing to worry about.We do this day in and day out.You won't feel a thing.It's a really simple procedure."Keith jumped in "Ok, first roll onto your stomach,"Stomach? I thought to myself.I was pretty sure a liver biopsy was taken from the abdomen.That's it, I'm losing a kidney!"Stomach?" Dean asked."Na bro, he's getting liver."All negative presumptions about Dean immediately left my mind. He was alright in my book.
"Oh, that's right.My bad!"My bad! I thought, "Sorry, we just did a bunch of kidneys.I'm all mixed up."I was beginning to suspect that Keith was taking some of his own medicine.At least he wasn't breaking the golden rule:Don't get high on your own supply.
I proceeded to slide my way onto the bed.As I laid my head down, the back door flew open.Keith and Dean both stood up and greeted the tall, fair skinned man with handshakes and a smile.He had maroon scrubs which matched the color of his hair."This is the doc," Dean said as the doctor extended his hand.Before I could reach his, he began his spiel."Doctor Gedderdun.Have you ever had one of these done before?" he asked.I shook my head and as the word 'no' reached the tip of my tongue, he continued on.
"It's a simple procedure.We do it all the time.Has Keith or Dean given you instructions on what we'll be doing?"
"They gave me a little overv…" He cut me off again, his rate of speech increased to 500 words a minute.
"OK.Like I said, this is a routine procedure we perform every day.You have nothing to worry about.Do you know what you're getting done today?"
"A biopsy of the liver."Wow…I finished a full sentence. The doc then proceeded to paint his picture in two minutes."That's right.A needle biopsy of the liver.Now, with this scan, we're going to electronically locate where we're going to pull the sample.You're obviously familiar with the CT scan.We'll pass you through and then we'll mark the spot.I'm going to use a spring loaded gun to remove the tissue from your liver.We're going to use local anesthetic, so you shouldn't feel a thing.You'll hear a loud POP.Don't worry this is just the needle penetrating your liver and removing the tissue.This is why it's called a needle biopsy.It's quicker than a surgical biopsy and we don't have to cut you open.It's in and out in less than a second, like that," he snapped his fingers. "You may feel a slight pinch, but it will be very quick."He pulled out a white gun.It looked like a NERF toy I owned when I seven.He continued painting his picture, using his words as his brush strokes and my ears as his canvas.
"Once I remove the tissue, I'll apply a thin sheet of gauze to stop the bleeding.Sometimes, there's a rare chance of internal bleeding.If this happens, I'llhave to use a plug to stop the bleeding in the liver.But don't worry, this happens less than one percent of the time.Once we're done, you'll be in recovery for about an hour or so.Now there's a chance that the liver could bleed after this procedure.If this happens, you'll feel a sharp pain in your abdomen like POW, as if someone punched you.You may also feel a stabbing pain in your right shoulder, like someone stabbing you with a knife.But again, this is very rare.If you do get these symptoms call us and we'll get you taken care of.Did you have any questions?"
I had many questions.I must have taken too long to sort through which one's I wanted to ask.My two seconds of silence were interpreted as a no.
"So what procedure are you getting done?" he continued, without skipping a breath.
"A needle biopsy of the liver" I answered, with a feeling of déjà vu.Doctor Gedderdun turned to Keith and Dean.He extended his hand in the middle of the circle and like a pregame ritual, Dean and Keith joined theirs on top of his.The doc then asked them with a Michael Buffer impression "Are you ready?"They all nodded."One, two, three…BREAK," and they assumed their positions.
Keith began twisting tabs on the ivy lines.A cold sensation rushed into my body.Dean threw on his mask and I heard the door to the radiologists' room close behind me.The machine turned on.Everyone disappeared."OK," I heard the telecom speaking to me "We're going to give you breathing instructions."I guess this machine must have broken speakers."Breathe normal."The bed moved in and back out."Now hold your breath."The bad moved forward.It came back a bit quicker.When it stopped, Dean was above me holding a thin sticky cloth, no bigger than a sheet of paper towel.It had a black grid on it with half inch squares.He stuck it to my abdomen and disappeared.
"Hold your breath."The bed moved forward again.As the bed returned, Keith was twisting more knobs and Dean ripped the sheet off my abdomen and, with a confused look and his tongue sticking out, moved it upwards so it covered both my rib cage and abdomen.
"Hold your breath."I felt lightheaded and it seemed like the bed took five minutes to return, upon which I saw three stooges hovering around me.Keith was to my left handling the IV's.Gedderdun was putting on vinylgloves while peekingover Dean's shoulder.Dean marked an X on the cloth with black felt pen and then clenched the sharpie between his teeth.With one hand, he peeled off the sheet and grabbed the marker with his other.He quickly jotted jibberish below my lower right rib."Did you get the right spot?" I heard doctor Gedderdun ask him."Did you write down your initials?" He continued.My eyes closed for what seemed to be a second.
POP!I felt a slight pressure on my abdomen."Ok, here it is."I opened my eyes to a blurry sight. My vision straightened and I saw Doctor Gedderdun shaking a plastic ziplock bag with what appeared to be an earthworm inside."We're all done.How do you feel?"I gave him a thumbs up."Great, this will be sent to the pathologists and you should be hearing from your doctor by early next week."Keith and Dean helped me back on to my roller bed.We said our goodbyes and Keith proceeded to roll me back to the recovery room.A NERF gun and earthworms…We never really do grow up.We just get older.